Movie Review: Kong: Skull Island

Kong showing Mason and James his gentle side.

Oh, boy. This one's going to be rough.

Three or four shimmering moments shrouded in gargantuan mounds of Kaiju Shit.

Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, John Goodman, and John C. can this many top-tier actors cohesively create such a silly product. Kong: Skull Island's a real head scratcher.

Film was almost over and I didn't know a single one of the character's names. So when they got batted down or flung into the cliffside, I truly didn't give a rat's ass. Since the movie is so depressingly filled with cons, let's just highlight the pros. A few of the scenes were shot well and creatively, like their first encounter with Kong, for example. The camera being inside the helicopter as it's spinning and descending toward the Earth, and how the camera remains there as the helis plow into the ground, dirt and sparks all over the place.

That was cool. Kong was cool, too. I would hope at the very least that Kong would be cool, because if Kong weren't cool, the film would literally be a waste of time and bandwidth. Cyberspace that could be better spent reading Billy Baldwin's tweets. Another cool thing was the makeup that the indigenous folks were wearing. Lastly, the animals were pretty awesome, as the film contains multiple big-ass monsters for Kong to battle, but that's about where the cool ends. The rest of the film is filler, with a very confusing character portrayal on the part of John C. Reilly. Being his typical goofball self half the time, and reciting sentimental bullshit the other half of the time, and it was supposed to work, except that it didn't.

I found myself waiting for Will Ferrell to come around the corner with a grand idea, something about placing his testicles on a drum set and making more room for activities. Not even Brie Larson's perky figure could distract me from how pieced together this film felt, like a four-headed monster at odds with itself. I think it simply tried to go in too many directions at once, which left it going nowhere. Being more familiar with other Kong films would have helped, sure, but it's gotta be something that appeals to the casual viewer as well as the genre-fiction fanatic. Almost every single big budget film adheres to this basic concept, and I'm not willing to make any exceptions for an overgrown gorilla with a soft side. A couple hours of my life I will never have back...and I'll be quite hesitant to watch any other Kong movie going forward, even if it's being shown to me free of charge. Ouch.


Image: Warner Bros.

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